Heart : Made to Give Life

{creepy shopping & texting moment}

So Saturday, hubby and I ventured out to the great land of Gilroy to hit up the outlet mall {oh. my. goodness.  Words cannot describe the mess it was! People people everywhere.}  Of course our first stop was In-N-Out for lunch {madness I tell you...we had to hover over people for 20 minutes just to score a table}, and then it began....

I've never been one to struggle in the weight department.  Thankfully I tend to have a naturally high metabolism, and have lived a pretty active life since I was a kid.  I was taught to eat well and take care of my body at a young age {thanks mom & dad}.  Like almost every kid, I went through that majorly awkward "ugly" stage of life - you know the years I'm talking about.  Middle school.  Those middle school years were just brutal {think pimples, unibrow (seriously mom?!), funky body odor, a bad haircut (I took a pic of Mary Kate & Ashley to my hairdresser as a kid and for some reason she had decided that was my signature cut. I couldn't escape it. No matter what I requested, I got the MK & A cut. My hair was too thick for the cut and it would flip and fall wherever it so desired. No good.) and weight that hadn't yet evenly distributed itself - oh!  And not to mention terrible and I mean just down right awful fashion sense.}. Side note - I've done my very best to hide photos of these incriminating years from hubby, but every now and then one will resurface {I really need to burn them} and he'll say things like, "I wonder if we would have been friends if we had known each other back then?" ha!  The beauty of middle school is ignorance.  I had no idea, until I stepped through the doors of my new school in 9th grade, that I was hideous.  Girls actually styled their hair, accessorized their outfits, wore makeup and drugstore deodorant (mom tried making my sister and I use these weird rocks from the health food store - I kid you not.  ROCKS!  You ran them under water and then rubbed them under your armpits. Did I mention I grew up in hot, sticky Florida?).  Hello awareness.

It's only by Gods good grace that I made it through those years without scars from insecurities.  It was my Freshman year that my true walk with the Lord began, and I know that intimacy with God {and not with boys} was what saved me.  I am forever grateful.

Twelve years later I'm more insecure now than I may have been in 9th grade.  I feel like I've got a pretty good fashion sense.  No more unibrow and {praise the Lord} I've got deodorant that does the job.  I've discovered passions and developed gifts {music, art, writing, homemaking, cooking, baking, etc.} and I'm much less socially awkward than I was back then.  So what do I have to be insecure about?  Those cute little dimples that grace the back of my thighs, the mid section that doesn't seem to be affected by tiresome ab workouts and the arms that flap when I wave.  I workout twice as much as I did in my "glory" days, I don't touch bread or processed foods and I eat plenty of fruits and veggies.  What's the deal?

A pregnant girlfriend of mine recently confided, "the hardest thing about being pregnant is watching my body grow. Clothes don't fit & everything I worked so hard at keeping toned is round."  Another friend recently showed marks that pregnancy left behind.  I thought of these two friends as I stood before a mirror on Saturday sulking at the more "mature" figure staring back at me.  "God, help me to love myself," I prayed.  I've never been through pregnancy, nor do I particularly look forward to that season of life, but I know that as a woman, the changes in your body, whether it be pregnancy or just a change in metabolism, can take their toll both emotionally and physically.

No one really prepares you to face these feelings and emotions.  I think that like my freshman year, intimacy with God is what will save me.  I may never be a size 2 again, I may not see cellulite free legs and I will probably have to work my tush off to stay "fit," but I'm reminded daily that through my flaws and imperfections my body is amazing no matter the size or shape.  Children or no children, we women are created to give life either through body & heart {or both}.  I'm determined to give life.  No more sulking over vanity.  I'm filling up on Jesus this week and ready to breathe life into those who are around me!

Hope you'll do the same.

Lots of love...